Today is the Day

All night I had nightmares that I had to have a colonoscopy, and I was so scared. I kept waking up and telling myself it was just a bad dream. I think I was thinking about Joey and remembering some of his medical procedures, and the two made a strange connection. I am worried about today. I mentioned that in my last post. I almost feel like a storm is brewing, and I can't stop it and I don't know what it will be like or when it will hit. Perhaps it won't. Perhaps by keeping busy today it won't hit at all. That would be nice.

This morning I received a message from a woman who lost her little man just two weeks ago. My heart aches for her and her husband. When the pain is that fresh you wonder how you will get up the next morning. How you will make it through the day all the while crying and hurting and aching. You cannot see a week ahead and sometimes not even a day. You wonder how you're supposed to live without your child. No one hands you a handbook on how to survive the loss of a loved one. Even if they did it wouldn't necessarily apply to you because everyone's grief is so personal, so unique. My heart goes out to this sweet woman and all who are in the midst of the lonely place of loss.

On remembering Joey, I know he wants us to be happy. He rarely ever complained about his aches and pains. He liked to see us happy and was always doing things for each of us to help us feel better. So I'm going to keep busy today and hold my breath a little and hopefully it will pass with as little pain as possible.

Just a quick Post!

I have a big deadline in the next couple of days and tomorrow is the anniversary of Joey's passing. I have no idea how I'm going to feel. (I'm a little worried, although we might be just fine. I just don't know when or how the grief is going to hit sometimes.)

Just wanted to say that I'm here still, though, and wishing you warmer weather (and less snow) then we've been having!

Enjoying the Sunshine!

We finally have good weather here in Utah; although, it's supposed to get cold and rainy and possibly even snow again later this week. There is something about sunshine after long days of winter that just makes me feel better. I only wish this temperate weather could stay.

Been working on a few things that I thought I'd share. Little Yellow Bicycle's latest release is a Travel line. I am so in love with the colors, patterns, and textures. I've used it and posted a few samples here before but these two layouts are new ones.

On another note, there are couple of fun challenges over at 2Peas. One is to leave a comment on the KI blog at 2Peas for the chance to win a prize.

There are also several cool classes in the education forum on stamping. They include videos, which I love.

There are also loads of new goodies in the shopping section, including some new Basic Grey and Crate Paper. All awesome stuff!! Go check it out!

Feeling Disjointed

Just feeling very "off" these days. The kids are both sick but with very different symptoms: one with fever and a sore throat and one with chest coughing and congestion. And with what I'm feeling sometimes our little world seems a bit out of sorts. Makes me appreciate it when life is calm and peaceful. That's for sure!

Thankfully it looks to be a beautiful day. Last week we had enough snow that it broke branches from several budding trees (none of ours since our yard has yet to be completed so we have none). And this week may approach 80 degrees. I would have liked more of a spring with temperatures in the 60's and 70's before reaching the scorching 90's we have in the summer.

Working away as usual. QVC stuff, LYB stuff, the article, and 2Peas. Love to mix it up and dip my hand into a bunch of different things. It keeps it from getting stale (or me from getting stale--LOL!).

Scored something new for my office a few weeks ago, but we haven't yet put it up. Can't wait to share as I've been dreaming and hoping for something like this for some time.

Sorry about the "woe is me" bit. I am sure that things will look up and we have to give ourselves permission every once in a while to feel down. Hugs to you and yours on this lovely spring day!

Thank you!

Thank you for your sweet comments for Joey's birthday. It was a good day, and we actually all got through it very well. I think having a plan helped a great deal.

I received many loving phone calls and e-mails and one of my friends even made Joey a birthday cake--something I had not planned on doing. We went ahead and sang to him anyway, and it was perfect! Thank you, Jessica!!

So today I'm relaxing and trying not to notice the 2" of snow on my front yard in new accumulation. YUCK!!

Thank you again for helping me celebrate my sweet boy!

Happy Birthday, Joey!!

Right now I'd be waking you up (rather reluctantly on your part). You'd probably be wearing sweat bottoms, no shirt, with your pockets hanging out (as you know it drives me crazy when you do this). We'd head downstairs, have you sit on the couch, and then sing "Happy Birthday" before presenting you with our presents. This year you're getting Master Chief from the X-box game Halo. I'll let Katie and Jimmy open it, and I'm sure Jimmy will give it a test drive or two. I don't think you'd mind.

Then you'd be off to Junior High (your last year there). Maybe I'd arrange for a few surprises while you're there--like lunch or doughnuts for at least one of your classes. You actually seemed to like that tradition but perhaps at 15 you might not like it any more. I'd still probably come and bring your little brother. He likes the attention.

After school you'd get to do whatever you want (no chores on your b-day). I'd imagine it would be the X-box or time with friends. You'd eat a bunch of junk food from the fridge and pantry and laugh and hang out doing your thing.

For evening we'd have your favorite food--probably cheese enchiladas (heavy on the cheese). And then we'd have cake that probably involves some kind of chocolate (once it was a cake with whoppers on top). You'd blow out the candles, pretending that you're too cool to do it any more but happy that we're showering you with attention.

Then we'd probably be having a sleepover with your friends since it's Spring Break. I'd have to come down like 50 times to tell you guys to "Be Quiet" and "Go to Sleep", but you wouldn't until 3 or 4 a.m. and be totally exhausted the next day.

And I would love knowing that you had a wonderful day surrounded by things and people you love.

So when we open your present, whisper "happy birthday", and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark tonight in your honor know that we love you, we miss you always, and yet we're proud of you and the man you are.

Love you, baby!

Some Days It's Tough

A little caught off guard today by my own emotions. Was struggling in church a little today thinking of my boy. The lesson was on trials and the Lord's love and support during those trials. And I looked out at the room and realized that probably everyone in that room has something in their life that is really difficult for them right now. And it just made me ache. Because I just don't want anyone feeling lonely, or hurt, or sick, or sad, or disappointed or let down.

I recognize that those feelings are a part of life and that from great trials can come sweet and tender lessons. For me, I learned to value time.

I remember coming home from being up with Joey at the hospital, exhausted, spending nearly the entire drive home in tears, afraid, worried, and just so full of hurt. And then I'd open the door and my other two children would be there. Needing me. Needing to show me their grade on their latest report card. Needing to show me the coolest lego invention ever. Needing just to touch me, sit on my lap, feel me near. And as exhausted as I was I didn't want a single moment to be lost. I knew that in those moments they needed everything I had to give (and sometimes more).

It was the same when Joey came home for a time, and I became his primary caregiver. That meant administering shots, changing IV's, adjusting medications, and watching his morphine. As frightening and overwhelming as all that can be, it was such a privilege to be the one to be able to give him what he needed. I hated the shots. Hated it! But he was so patient with me. Bless his heart! And in those nights when we laid on cushions on the floor of his room waiting for the three to four hour intervals when he could have more nausea medicine, I was so glad to be near him. I felt guilty when I became so exhausted that I had to take a break and Brett would take over. But I knew that I needed to be on top of my game. That Joey also needed everything I had.

I would like to say that those lessons remained with me--completely changed me. But there are still days when I am not the best listener, or I miss out on an opportunity to spend time with one of my children, or I am impatient. But I recognize that I'm still growing and learning myself. And I am better than I used to be. Much better.

I am grateful for every opportunity to be "The Mom." What an amazing privilege to be a caregiver for someone else whether it's a parent, a friend, or a child--my child. Thank you, Joey, for letting me try to at least help a little. I'm your mom, and I needed that, baby!

So You Got Me Thinking . . .

A little more about the things I miss about Joey. And these were some of my thoughts today . . .

* I miss his scent. Do your kids have a scent? I sometimes sneak in his room and smell his pjs in the hopes that I will still smell him there. It just smells like clean laundry but every once in a while I will catch what seems like a whiff of him.

* I loved the noises he made. He loved soldiers and Star Wars and Legos and there was always something getting killed or dying in his room. Now Jimmy plays in there and I still get to hear those noises. Love that!! What sounds do you love hearing your kids make?

* I miss his half-hearted, I might be too big for this, but I will want one hugs. Makes me want to go in a squish him all over again. Do you kiss and hug your kids every night?

* All that hair. With all that chemo and radiation, he never lost his hair. One triumph amid the yuckiness. I remember thinking he needed a haircut during those final months. Always in mom mode I suppose. I loved the coarse yet silky texture and thickness of it. Go cut off a bit of your child's hair and keep it somewhere safe. I promise you won't regret it. :)

Thank you for letting me share a little of Joey with my friends in cyber space. It helps keep him here.

Thinking of You, Joey!

This month marks two significant dates. One is my beautiful boy's would-be 15th birthday. And the second is the date of his passing. I thought it would be nice to include some of my favorite memories of him as the month continues as I know it will be a difficult time for our family.

Memory #1: He LOVED America's Funniest Home Videos. He would throw his head back and laugh and laugh whenever he watched it. We still love watching it to this day.

Memory #2: He never minded sharing with his dad or I. He would give up the best of what he had if we expressed any interest in it.

Memory #3: He could draw like nobody's business. Since he was old enough to hold a pencil, he was always drawing. I always wondered what he would do with his art. I still wonder.

Memory #4: He had the softest fuzzy skin. So sweet to touch and kiss. I miss that peach fuzz on his face (although at 15 he might have been dealing with facial hair already).

Memory #5: He loved friends. He was always heading up some adventure or pretend session with his friends. And I loved hearing them running around in the backyard. I miss those sounds.

Doin' Digital!

Ok, be kind as I am fairly new to all of this. But 2Peas is offering these awesome PSE classes by Sande Krieger and between those and the other tutorials offered, I am learning. :) This is the March class. All of her classes include a video. So I'll start it, pause it, go into my PS and work, and then come back and watch more. It's amazing how much you learn in each lesson.

And don't forget I have a lead for digital designers. I will be passing along links to the person hiring so link away.

And since I'm beginning to feel better I'd better get to work on my projects due this week. Have a great weekend!

Know some great Digi Designers?

I have a lead for someone that can really rock digital products. Link me to them (or your own gallery) and I'll pass along the information.

Happy April!

I am feeling yucky today. Have been for the past 4 days. Flu-like symptoms and lightheaded. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I'm trying to push through it, but I keep having to lay down or else the symptoms get worse. :( I am so not a good patient. Since I have a few minutes of feeling good, I thought I'd post a quick post.


Today's Garden is lovely. You should check it out. The theme for this month is stamping. And you already know how I feel about that.


Here is one of my layouts:


I used Hero Arts stamps for the tags, Heidi Swapp stamps for the clocks and PSX alphabet stamps for the title.

Be sure to check out the other artist's work. They always amaze me. :)

Anyway, feeling yucky again. Need to go lay down. Later.