Monday, July 21, 2008

If yesterday were a color it would be: BLUE
(my color-ful life)

So yesterday I was conducting our Relief Society meeting (our Church's women's program). It was going well and then I sat down after introducing the teacher. As soon as the teacher began discussing the lesson I was concerned.

Our lesson was on finding joy and hope during and after the death of a loved one. Now I've read the lesson before. I read it months ago in the hopes of finding some comfort about Joey's death. I just didn't realize that yesterday was that scheduled lesson.

The teacher was amazing and treated the subject with such love and respect, but I couldn't help it. The Spirit was strong, and I was trying not to cry but could not help myself. Missing Joey is still so painful and raw. But then I really needed a tissue, and I couldn't get up and go get one (remind me to stock some in the room next week). I didn't want to walk out during the lesson and offend the teacher (she knows my situation). Thankfully a neighbor offered to go get me one, and boy did I need it.

At the end of the lesson, I have to get up and share my testimony of the subject and thank the teacher. I was a mess!

Now let me explain something: I don't like public displays of emotion. Even on TV when the actors are crying or overly emotional, I have to change the channel. It's just so raw and uncomfortable for me to feel that deeply sometimes. Emotions are very personal to me, and sometimes I just don't know how to share them with everyone (apparently except when I write about it).

And there I was runny nose, bawling. It was real, and I couldn't help it; but I still struggle with dragging people through my pain. It doesn't seem fair to them. And I am a new Relief Society President and not wanting to dump my life on anyone else.

It was a difficult day. Now my emotions seem to ride at the top, and I'm sure they will for several days.

I just miss Joey. I can't help it. I always will. And even though I KNOW I will be with my son again, it still kills me to be without him.

So if you see me venting on this blog or sometimes going on and on about Joey, I just need it. I just need to let some of that awful emotion all pent up inside to seep out a little bit. Thank you for being patient with me!

As for the lesson, it was absolutely lovely. You can read it here.

7 comments:

  1. {{Big Hugs}}

    I am sure that you are a WONDERFUL Relief Society President.

    Isn't it great to have this guilt free outlet for your grief and emotions?

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  2. Jennifer, you have been so, so strong about Joey. Sometimes you just have to let it out, and not care who is watching. I wish I could be there and cry with you. Sending lots of love and hugs.

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  3. Jennifer, you are amazing and strong. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I still keep you and your family in my prayers. :)

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  4. You'd be amazed at how often I think of Joey and you. I'm grateful that I do. The footprints you've left in my heart are treasures to me.

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  5. Oh, Jen! Of course it's raw, and of course it's real. Why, how would it be anything else? I have admired your strength since Joey's death, but am heartened to hear that you have chosen an outlet for your grief, as well. There is absolutely no shame in that.

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  6. You share any time you need to my friend. In fact you can call me and dump it on me any time you need to. You amaze me. You are such a pillar of strength and I just love you to pieces!

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  7. Real emotions are a good thing sometimes, eh?

    Look for the rainbows after the storm....

    sending you hugs,
    Peg

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