Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Coming Home


I had a dream about Joey last night. I went in to his bedroom, and there he was. Alive and well except for a stomach ache, which I reminded him was because of his tumor. It was surreal and even in the dream, I called the doctor and told them what had happened. They asked me if I was all right in the head or having an "episode" of some sort. Then they chalked up to being a good thing.

At first when I woke up, I was just happy to have seen him and talked to him. It seemed very normal, and I was, of course, ecstatic in the dream. But now I'm feeling the loss of him terribly today. I want to touch him so bad. Looking at his baby pictures, he really looks a lot like Jimmy. It's seem so hard for me to be able to touch and hug Jimmy and not be able to do that with Joey any more. I won't say "It's not fair" because it's not about that.

But I wish he were home. I know he is home (a home far more beautiful and safe than this home), but I feel like he's been gone long enough and it's time to come home. I say this a lot, but I think it's the way I'm dealing with losing him--he can't really be gone in the permanent sense of things, he's just off somewhere and I'll see him soon. I really need that to be true and my faith tells me that it is. I truly know that I will see him again, but I'm surprised that knowing that doesn't always make it easier. Is that the human part of us? The worrying part?

I just miss him. Miss him SO MUCH!!

12 comments:

  1. I really think that IS normal, that that is the Human part of us. My dad passed away almost a year ago, and I miss him so much. I KNOW as well that I can AND WILL see him again (I am LDS also) but it just isn't the same. I want to see him HERE on this earth.

    I don't think that will ever go away, the missing. I think it is completely normal. Like you said, knowing that we will get to see them again doesn't make it easier while we are left on this earth. That's a lot of earthly years that I have to go without seeing my dad and it's hard. I can't imagine how much harder it might be for you.

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  2. {{HUGS}}

    I have dreams of my dad like that all the time. In the dream I know he's died, but there he is. Very surreal.

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  3. I just want to let you know that I think of you often. You are in my prayers. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through. I think I would feel the same way. My neighbor just lost her 5 year old daughter, when I found out, I cried for two days. Losing a child would really be a trying experience. YOu are an amazing woman! Just know that we are praying for you and sending you BIG HUGS!!
    -Kandis

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  4. Oh Jen . . . I so wish this pain could go away for you. I could never imagine having to deal with this.

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  5. Oh, Jen. I feel so bad for you today. I've had dreams before that brought back a person or a time in my life that is no longer. The dreams are so real, and so sweet, and then I wake up. I always have a really hard day after that. A heaviness in my heart. If it were one of my children I was dreaming of, I don't know how I could stand it. I pray for you and your family, and I know He is with you. But knowing that doesn't make it easy, does it? Sending you a HUGE HUG today.

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  6. Jen, It is normal for you to feel that way. And it's ok to let yourself feel that way too. When you have dreams like that, it seems that you expect them to be there when you wake up. I love ya sweetie and giving you big hugs!!! I understand.

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  7. Thinking of you today & saying a prayer for you! I can't even begin to imagine what you go thru everyday! Aren't we lucky to have the gospel & our testimonies? Hang in there. BTW-that is a cute picture of your boy! Have a great day!

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  8. Jen-
    I literally got goosebumps reading that one. I can see what you mean about being happy to have "seen" him, but then almost dealing with the loss all over again. Here's to happier days real soon!

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  9. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, however painful they are to you. We are wonderfully human, and this experience, however good or bad, is better when shared. My life is better having read your thoughts about Joey.

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  10. ((((HUGS)))) jen. HUGE hugs.

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  11. Jen, hope today is a better day for you. I can't imagine the pain and heart ache. I'm praying for you!

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  12. Jen,

    Hugs to you -- I remember the first dream I had of Kaitlyn where she was "alive" again -- just so real but man did it suck when I woke up --

    Stay strong,
    Cheri

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