Recently I was having a discussion with my husband. And yes it was one of those discussion that included a few tears and a bit of frustration. But not with him. With me.
I am 42 years old. I'm a mother of three (one of whom I lost to cancer eight years ago). I'm the daughter of two loving parents (who are no longer married). I'm a wife (to an amazing man who tries really hard to get me). I'm a friend (to some really incredible women). I'm a daughter of God (who is ever present in my life).
And yet I've forgotten who I am.
Once upon a time I was a more carefree and happy person. I loved to dance. I thought I could sing (turns out I was wrong). I wrote songs on the piano (awful songs, but still). I was in love with the idea of love. I dreamed of adventure and travel. I was passionate and strong-willed and determined. I absorbed any form of learning as fast as I could find it.
I was a different person then.
And now? Now I'm more subdued. More cautious. Less free. More insecure. More doubtful. And sometimes completely lost.
I'm human. I have a great life. I am happy most of the time. And yet I feel I have lost much of who I was and possibly who I was destined to become.
Some of me was lost along the way as I was hurt, abandoned, disregarded, and judged.
Some I cut out of me because I thought it somehow needed to be done.
Some I forgot in the daily doings of life.
Some I ignored and disregarded until it wasn't me any more.
I think we're all like that. I think we let go, or move on, or adjust, or turn away from parts of ourself.
I think most of the time change is ok. But sometimes after much time has passed, we realize that some of that person we used to be we want again.
I want to dance again. I want to laugh: loudly without warning. I want to KNOW who I am and find complete confidence in that knowledge. I want to surprise myself, my husband, my children, and my friends with the wildness of me. I want to let go and take courage and leave behind doubts, fears, and dark moments.
I want to be me again!
Do you think it's possible to rediscover yourself? Or do you think that sometimes you lose a part of yourself that you can never truly regain? Do you think you can find that part of you again?
Or are we doomed to forget who we are and become something entirely new?