Thursday, March 13, 2008


In My Dreams

I dreamed about Joey the other night. I was carrying him because he was sick. I could feel the weight of him. I could feel it so completely that I shifted his weight as he was heavy. He hugged me tighter to help me hold on better, and his spiky hair brushed up against my neck. I could feel it!! I hugged him tighter in response. It was the most real dream I ever remember having, and I needed it so much!

When Joey's cancer progressed at the end, his pain was so great that we could not touch him. We did not want to create more pain and make him more uncomfortable. Sometimes when we would help him stand, he would lean against us and we would gently stroke his back. Sometimes as we lead him down the hall to load him into the car for one of his radiation treatments, he would lean against us and we could wrap our arm around his shoulders to steady him. And I could still kiss him. I imagine that a lot--leaning in to kiss him on his bushy brown or the cheekbone up near his ear. Those are my special places to kiss him. I miss that so much!

But having that dream was a tender mercy I'm sure given to me so that I could remember the feel of him. You don't realize how much those little touches mean until you can't have them any more. I need them so much. I miss it so much.

I miss him so much. It's almost been a year, and I still find myself thinking that it's about time for him to come home now. I think I will always think that.

19 comments:

  1. oh, i am so happy for you jen! i wanted that SO much with my dad and it never happened. my mother shared with me years later that she had one of these very real dreams too. she said that my dad came and sat on the edge of the bed and told her everything would be alright and it was OK for her to move on with her life. me, i even had trouble conjuring up a good picture of him in my mind. but i too remember feeling that one day when i came driving up to the house, i WAS going to see his car there and he wold finally be home.

    sweet dreams Jen!

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  2. Anonymous11:31 AM

    Jenn I can assure you that your soul and his soul met while you were asleep. This wasn't a dream this was real, that is why it felt so real. You will not have many of these kind of dreams but when you do you wake up and know every little thing that went on in that "dream". One day your spirits will meet again always remember that each day that you live is a step closer to joey.

    corinnexxx

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  3. Hugs Jen! He is still in you and you will always feel him. He will always be there.

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  4. that is so wonderful... I truly believe that our loved ones come to us through our dreams. I continually "talk" to my mom in my dream (Its been 4 years since she passed, yet it seems like I just saw her) sometimes, I swear I can even smell her perfume after one of those dreams.
    Hope you have many more sweet dreams with him!
    Peace,
    Kim Faucher

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  5. HUGS!! I'm glad you got to feel your little boy again - if only in a dream. God Bless you!

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  6. What an extraordinary moment in your life! I wish we lived closer so I could wrap my arms around you. Joey is truely a special person and will always be. I hope you have more sweet reunions.

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  7. Hugs to you Jenn, your post was so moving, my heart is breaking for you and happy you could dream that at the same time. :( :)

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  8. Jen,
    I'm so glad you got to hold your sweet boy again in your dreams.
    I can hear the longing in your "voice" and wish you much peace. Your post was just the reminder I needed to savor every moment for we don't know what tomorrow holds.
    HUGS

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  9. Sending you some hugs Jen!
    Man, I'm a wreck just reading this.
    What a wonderful seredipity. A dream so real is truly a gift.
    You are an incredible woman my friend.

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  10. Jen - I'm so happy for you being able to experience what you did in your dream. Even the way you described it made it real for me, and to experience it must have been 100 times better and more real, and more wonderful and comforting. Take care, and know that you're still in my prayers.

    Lizzy

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  11. I can't believe it's almost been a year. I'm so happy that you got to hold your baby and feel his closeness.

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  12. Oh Jen- this made me cry. I am glad that you could hold him again in your dreams. Big hugs to you.

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  13. Anonymous8:37 PM

    Jen, I'm praying for you in your grief.
    How loving of God to give you that dream! Just as you love your Joey, your Father loves you so much & more.
    I can't begin to know how you feel, but I do pray for you -- that you can guard your sweet memories of your son & the sharp, stinging pain will grow duller with time.
    Sue in Grapevine

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  14. Oh Jen...I am in tears reading this. You are an AMAZING person! I can't imagine how you do it! I am so glad you had a few more moments with your son...even if it was in a dream. HUGS to you my friend!

    Becki :)

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  15. ((HUGS)) and prayers headed to you on this day. Thank you so much for sharing with us about your dream about Joey. I'm sure God knew what you needed on that exact day ... and it was that dream ... to remind you that JOey isn't all that far away ... from your heart! Keep him close. Hold him tight ... in your thoughts.

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  16. Jen, you are an amazing woman. I know he was there with you and you felt him. How wonderful for you. It was what you needed and he knew that too. I hope you have more sweet dreams like that.

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  17. Just wanted to say that I was thinking of you! :-) TFS

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  18. I was surfing scrapbook blogs when I came across your story. You share something very special with your son. God Bless! angie

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  19. Anonymous4:36 PM

    I just read about your loss in Scrapbook Trends. It made me seek your blog and am so glad I did. Your Joey is in a better place, and on this night he visited you. My best to you and your family. Your dream made me think of the following Native American Proverb: "They are not gone who live in the hearts they left behind".

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