Merry Christmas!
It's been a while. Having a bit of holiday blues I suppose so I haven't really wanted to post. Sometimes I feel like I have something to say, but when I get down to it I feel cold and distant. I hate that! I don't like feeling unhappy. I so admire people that are able to smile and have a positive attitude most of the time. I truly believe that's a gift.
We did miss Joey during the holidays and perhaps that's part of it, but I feel him with me always. I just carry him around with me in my heart. I wasn't as sad as I thought I might be. I believe I have come to terms with the fact that he is in Heaven with a loving Heavenly Father and is being loved and cared for in a way that I could not provide him here on earth. Knowing that helps me so much not to worry. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. Good grief! I think about him nearly every minute of every day.
And there are difficult moments, like finding his stocking, which says "Baby's First Christmas." How little did I know how short my baby's life was going to be. There was wrapping presents and not having any for him (although I did wrap one and put it under the tree--I needed that). There was Christmas morning and a small present that my husband had wrapped for me, which had Joey's name as the giver. I think I broke down the most at that because I didn't see it coming, and I was so grateful to have a small moment of normalcy.
I do miss him!! Like crazy!!
And maybe I'm not just not accepting that I'm hurting, sad, and a little bit lonely without him. I just don't know how to wear that grief every day. But perhaps without knowing it, I am anyway.
I just don't want to disappoint him and be unhappy. I want to move towards him in a positive way.
I promise: it really was a good Christmas, and I am sad that it comes and goes so quickly. We were surrounded by family for the entire day, and everyone seemed relaxed and happy to be in our home. That makes me feel good. Good to know that our home has that "stay a while" feeling. I hope it always does.
And maybe, just maybe, my little man stayed for a bit yesterday too. That would make me feel a little bit better and a little less sad.
Happy Holidays to you and yours!