No Band-aid Big Enough

Perhaps without even realizing it, I am looking for a band-aid for the pain I feel when I miss Joey. Part of me wants so much not to hurt any more, but at the same time sometimes that pain is the connection I feel to my son. It's hard to know what to want as we grieve for the loss of my angel boy.

This past week we took our two younger children on vacation. After five months of one crisis after another and deep sorrow, we wanted to take them to a place where we could feel happiness again as a family. We decided to take them to San Diego.

The kids were amazing: patient in the long lines and in the heat. Happy just to spend time with us. And full of fun. That was what I wanted from the trip: to see Brett and the kids enjoying themselves. That makes me more happy than anything. We truly enjoyed just taking our time to enjoy each moment. I didn't rush them out the door each morning. I didn't worry about when the park opened or bedtimes. We didn't worry about too many treats or riding just one more time. We just let things happen and tried to relax. It was good to be together.

What surprised me, however, was how many things triggered tears for Brett and I. Right before Joey passed away I was able to interview him for about 10 minutes. One of the questions I asked was for him to name a place that he has never been to that he would like to visit. He named Legoland. He's been a fan of Legoland since he was old enough to pinch those little blocks together. As we drove to Legoland one morning of our trip, Brett and I were suddenly overcome with feelings of deep grief, devastated that our boy would not be joining us on this vacation.

All during Joey's illness, we talked about taking a vacation as a family when Joey felt better. Even as we saw the cancer take full hold of his little body we held out for any glimpse of hope. It gave him something to look forward to, something to hold on to.

When he could not join us on this trip, it made our hearts ache. We were careful not to dampen the younger kids' fun, as this trip was for them; but we often found ourselves remembering Joey and how he would have liked this ride or how he had loved that ride in the past.

I suppose that's what I mean when I say there isn't a band-aid big enough. No trip, no event, nothing can take away from missing Joe. We just love him too much, and he is so much a part of who we are that it was inevitable that we would feel the loss of him even on a family vacation.

So, Joey, I missed you, baby. I wanted to see you ride the Screamer with your Dad and come off laughing. I wanted you to experience Legoland and buy new Legos that you really didn't need. I wanted you to pick a treat like your brother and sister, and I wanted you with me every moment on our vacation. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!

Here's to you, baby:

Who's Behind the Camera?

As I gather photos of Joey and try to create layouts, I've noticed something. There aren't many photos of me with my son. That makes me sad. I just feel so much more comfortable behind the camera than in front of the camera. But now as I look through our events, day-to-day happenings, and memories I wish that I had more of he and I.

Here are a few that I have been in:



















If you are the one always taking the photos, let go of the camera. Teach one of your children to take pictures, explain depth of field to your hubby, or purchase a tripod (I got one at Walmart for $15). Then challenge yourself to be IN the photo not just taking it. Set aside a "Self-Portrait Sunday" or something that makes you include those photos.

What kinds of memories do you want to leave your children? Are you the chef, the library lady, the diaper duty person, the kiss it better mama? Some memories are better on film!

So I suppose that's my challenge for myself and anyone else that reads this blog. Get in front of the camera!

This Creative Outlet!

Isn't is amazing that we have this wonderful outlet for our creativity? I love making something beautiful, having control over its outcome, just feeling the textures and seeing the colors, and then writing something from my heart. It seriously makes me happy, and I'm so grateful to have that, especially now. More than ever I am enjoying the process.

This layout was created for two beautiful girls in Savannah, GA. Jamie is the store owner of Savannah Scrapbooking and became a wonderful friend to me. Don't you just love having a place to go where everybody knows your name? (Total "Cheers" reference.) But seriously, it was my place to get away; and I have so many fond memories of that place. I haven't found that again, and I miss that. Kristine is the other gorgeous (crazy) blonde in the photos. She is equally wonderful and the mother of one of my son's friends. They have the ability to make you laugh! (Can you tell?) On a coolness note: This layout was chosed by one of my most favorite designers (Jennifer McGuire) for the 2Peas National Scrapbook Day as a user feature. Can't tell you how happy that made me!! I admire her work so much.

This layout was created using a bunch of Deja Views products. I absolutely LOVE their pet lines, but we don't have pets. Katelyn just has too many allergies, and her mother just isn't ready to take on that kind of responsibility again. My little nephew is an absolute doll!!

What's fun about these Deja Views' tablets are the amount of cool products to work with. The brackets, letters, flower, and bucklet border all came from the same tablet.

And finally, an assignment that I received from Li'l Davis, using their Rockstar line and an ad provided for inspiration. Converted the layout to black and white since the colors were so bright. I didn't want it to distract from the rest of the layout.