Merry Christmas!

It's been a while. Having a bit of holiday blues I suppose so I haven't really wanted to post. Sometimes I feel like I have something to say, but when I get down to it I feel cold and distant. I hate that! I don't like feeling unhappy. I so admire people that are able to smile and have a positive attitude most of the time. I truly believe that's a gift.

We did miss Joey during the holidays and perhaps that's part of it, but I feel him with me always. I just carry him around with me in my heart. I wasn't as sad as I thought I might be. I believe I have come to terms with the fact that he is in Heaven with a loving Heavenly Father and is being loved and cared for in a way that I could not provide him here on earth. Knowing that helps me so much not to worry. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. Good grief! I think about him nearly every minute of every day.

And there are difficult moments, like finding his stocking, which says "Baby's First Christmas." How little did I know how short my baby's life was going to be. There was wrapping presents and not having any for him (although I did wrap one and put it under the tree--I needed that). There was Christmas morning and a small present that my husband had wrapped for me, which had Joey's name as the giver. I think I broke down the most at that because I didn't see it coming, and I was so grateful to have a small moment of normalcy.

I do miss him!! Like crazy!!

And maybe I'm not just not accepting that I'm hurting, sad, and a little bit lonely without him. I just don't know how to wear that grief every day. But perhaps without knowing it, I am anyway.

I just don't want to disappoint him and be unhappy. I want to move towards him in a positive way.

I promise: it really was a good Christmas, and I am sad that it comes and goes so quickly. We were surrounded by family for the entire day, and everyone seemed relaxed and happy to be in our home. That makes me feel good. Good to know that our home has that "stay a while" feeling. I hope it always does.

And maybe, just maybe, my little man stayed for a bit yesterday too. That would make me feel a little bit better and a little less sad.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!


  1. I'm thinking of you, Jen. I've been meaning to email you to catch up. I know you've been busy! I'm sorry the holidays have been so hard. Thanks so much for your blog entry. Your writing always amazes and inspires me. Miss you! -- Laura King

  2. thinking of you and I think you are doing wonderfully cooping with your grief. Joey was there with you I know that for sure :)


  3. I always think of your special son! Your feelings are so real and raw it truly helps me appreciate every moment. Knowing your son is with his Heavenly Father must bring comfort but missing him for now is hard. It's okay to ache and miss him it doesn't mean you are not being positive, just grieving. You are a very strong person!

  4. my prayers and thoughts are with you and of course your entire family--- you dont know me or anything-- but i have read your blog for a while and wanted to let you know you are in my prayers

  5. My thoughts are with you, Jen. I'm glad that you were able to feel a bit of normalcy for the day and that you were surrounded by the love of your family...and yes, your Angel Joey too!

  6. Jen I came here today thinking of you and wondering how your Christmas went. I hope that God grants you peace when you need it most. I will continue to have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.


  7. Oh Jen, your post made me cry and think about my own family. I'm hoping you are feeling much better now. I can only imagine how you are feeling without Joey this holiday season. I'm sure it was truly hard. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!!!


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