Monday, May 21, 2007


Sundays are Difficult

And I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps it's because we take the time to slow down, and we go to church where the Spirit is strong; but I have a harder time on Sundays. Everything reminds me of Joey.


I am typically outgoing and looking forward to making friends, but since we've moved I am struggling with reaching out. It is hard to participate in Sunday School or Relief Society (the organization for women) because I'm hurting, and I don't want to cry. Yesterdays lesson in Sunday School was about the Prodigal Son, and the teacher mentioned what it was like to lose a child for even a moment. I've lost my beautiful boy for a very long time, and it was hard to think about it. Still, it was a beautiful lesson to think about how the Savior must rejoice when one of us returns to his fold. How he must have rejoiced when Joey returned to his home in Heaven. It's just difficult for me her on earth.


Mother's Day was particularly difficult. I was so short tempered, and until church was over I didn't realize exactly why. I was afraid of how I was going to feel on Mother's Day. Our ward celebrates Mother's Day by having all the women in the ward stand up and then the youth (ages 12-18) bring around a treat (or sometimes a flower). I just couldn't stand this time. My daughter was frustrated with me, but I just couldn't do it. Joey would always fight to be the first one at my side to give me something. He always wanted to do that for me. And he wasn't there. I really struggled not to cry during that part of the meeting. Brett ended up just grabbing me a little bag of candy and handing to me. Even though the day ended up being very beautiful, I just missed Joey so much.


I suppose that after time, it will become easier and I will be ready to reach out; but for now it's about all I can do to get through Church without crying. Here's a picture of my boy in his Sunday Best. He always took getting ready for church seriously; although, I did look down and see his running shoes once or twice when he forgot to change them. Pretty funny!

20 comments:

  1. Oh, Jen. I don't know how you made it thru that Mother's Day service without bawling your eyeballs out! I cry thru church almost every single time I go. And I know no one minds if you cry. Cry if you need to. Church is a safe place. A loving place. But most of all....do what you need and don't worry about what others will think. (ps...how you didn't cry during that sunday school lesson...I will never know. You must be realllly strong.)

    I'm sorry for your loss of Joey. He sure was quite a guy. I hope your pain eases up a little very soon.

    Roxann

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  2. Bless you Jen! My heart is broken for you and your family. I hope being able to post your feelings helps you through.


    Debbie

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  3. Dear Jen, I recognize yhe part of not wanting to cry in front of everyone at places you do not want to cey at. I have held back many of tears and by doing htis is didn;t wanted to go to these places no more or be with a lot of people because I didn't think they would understand. Looking back my only advice to you is, do cry! tell them you are hurting, that you are not OK, because you are simple not OK and THAT is OK! don't make the same mistake that I did by pulling myself away and almost became depressed. People often do not know what to say or they say just the wrong things, but they just do not know how to help you or what to say. When people ask you how you are do you also say :fine or I am doing ok? I did and boy who was I kidding! share your feelings with the people who you trust and please never hold back another tear.
    big hugs!!

    Corinnexxx

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  4. sorry for the typo's!

    corinnexxx

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  5. Jen, you and your family are truly amazing! It's such a difficult place to be in for all of you. You must know that it's your time to be filled in RS. Share you heart and your experiences if so promted. Our sisterhood is here to help ~ even from a different State in the country. Our prayers our with you. Continue to hold on. You really are one outstanding person.

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  6. Jen, I keep thinking about you and your family even though I don't know you. Probably the common bond of us both being scrapbookers, mothers, and sharing a religion.

    Just wanted to let you know that if you ever need anything, even though I don't know you, if you just want to cry, I will be here to listen.

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  7. Dear Jen,
    Your loss is overwhelming to me. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. Your son is so beautiful and I can tell in his eyes that he felt loved and safe in this world. Be proud that you gave him that comfort and that he can now rest in the comfort of God's arms. Emotions are a difficult thing, even when it's hard to cry, know that your friends and strangers are crying for you. I am a stranger, but my heart breaks for you like you were family. God Bless you and keep you faithful and strong.

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  8. ((HUGS)) to you. I cannot even imagine the pain of losing a child ... a child so young and vibrant.

    Know that He is there for you ... lean on Him ... know that God will give you peace and comfort when you need it most ... just reach out to Him.

    I'm sure once you are comfortable, your church friends will do whatever they can to help you through this most difficult ordeal. It's ok to cry, even with people you don't know. It's ok.

    My heart reaches out to you and your family and your children. May God put his loving arms around you and surround you with his peace and comfort today!

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  9. I am sorry for your loss. No words can even begin to express the emotions connected to the death of your beloved Joey. I hope that you can find comfort in your new church. When you are ready, I am sure you will. I am sure there are people there with similar loss who could offer you comfort.

    I believe Joey was with you that day- he is with you all of the time. As is God. I hope, on some small level, you can feel some comfort in that. Prayers and hugs to your family.

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  10. I can't imagine how hard that must be...and bless you for being so strong to put yourself in those situations, and still see the beauty and positive lessons that are there to be learned. I only know you from 2peas, and even then not well at all, but you have been in my prayers these past weeks.

    Also, thanks for your sweet comment on one of my recent lo's on 2peas (I'm {mandyford} on there).

    {{BIG HUGS}}

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  11. This is the level I can relate to you on (and maybe help with). I used to live my life trying to keep myself "together" ... trying to keep up the "smoke and mirrors" show so no one would look at me funny or reject me. It eventually led me to a nervous collapse and years of horrible anxiety attacks. What works for me is NOT CARING WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS ... I cry if I want to where I want to ... I eat my shaved ice driving down the street RIGHT OUT OF THE BOWL ... with my TONGUE ... NO SPOON. HA. And it's dang satisfying. I love people. It's not that I don't care about them ... it's just that it really DOESN'T matter what they think about us. We just have to do what works for US. So bawl your eyes out or yell or leave the room or do what YOU need to do to feel OK. You'll feel better. I do! I haven't had an anxiety attack for more than 10 years now. I'm happy as a clam and therefore have more to offer the world.
    Hugs to you. I wish you peace.
    Wendy

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  12. Jen,
    I think you are doing the right thing by taking your time and participating as you feel able. It will happen but you need to let yourself grieve. You deserve the time to let yourself get used to this new life.
    I wish I could give you a big hug.
    Take care.

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  13. I was sitting in church on Sunday singing a song with these words, "I may be down, but I will rise. It may be dark but God is light", and I immediately thought of you and said a prayer for you and your family. God Bless you. I'm a girl from GA who doesn't even know you, but I think of you often and keep you in my prayers.
    Brittany Mann

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  14. Don't feel bad for not being as outgoing as you usually are. You need time to grieve, and because of that, you will be able to be stronger for letting yourself feel how much you miss that amazing boy of yours.

    PS. I remember that about him - he was always very well dressed for church. i was always especially impressed with his reverence and respect, but that he was so happy along with it.

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  15. many GIANT HUGS sent your way....

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  16. Jen, for many months after my father passed away, I had a tough time in church. Without warning I would find myself tearing up at the words of a prayer or a hymn. And there you sit, exposed, knowing that everyone is wondering about your tears. This used to make me very uncomfortable. But now I've noticed that when I see someone else in church who looks tearful, I don't spend a lot of time questioning why, I just start praying for them. And I am sure that is what your congregation is doing for you.

    When we are strong, it is our privilege to be strong for others, and when we are feeling weak, it is our comfort to have others bear us up.

    {hugs}

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  17. i love you! it's taken me 32 years to say this out loud and in public. here i am saying it now. no one could ask for a better sister! i was trying to get a copy of joey's obituary off the internet and while googling it i was sent to this site. it made me cry to see that beautiful picture of joey and katie. next time you are in relief society or wherever, just cry. it's okay.

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  18. I stumbled on this song and I had to think of you. http://www.myspace.com/ingridmichaelson

    corinnexxx

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  19. Jen, I don't even know what to write but I feel like I can see how you are feeling - you describe it so vividly. just takes things one day at a time and don't worry about how things look. Do what you need to do. I'll be praying for you!

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  20. Jen,
    Just wanted to send you a cyber hug and to let you know I think of you and your family daily.

    HUGS!

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