Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Day by Day

It's strange that life goes on after something like losing a child. It doesn't seem right, and sometimes I'm not even sure how I should react. I'm grateful that I have two children that keep me busy. Our youngest child, Jimmy, has taken to showing us his biggest, cheesiest grin whenever Brett and I are crying. There is no way to avoid a chuckle when that little guy is around. He and Katelyn are such good kids, and we are so grateful for them. They sometimes don't understand why we cry; and I tell them that I really, really love them and that I miss Joey so very much. I tell them that it's ok to cry and be sad, and that Daddy and I need to be able to miss him. I want them to know it's ok to be sad because I'm sure they often feel that way too.


We are trying to move forward, but I don't really know how to stop being Joey's Mom. I realize that I will always be his Mom, but I don't know how to stop physically taking care of him. I would give anything to hear him call me, or ask for a drink of water, or need his pillows rearranged. I selfishly wish that I could continue all those things, but I really don't want him here suffering. I hate just how permanent this all is.


We have good days and good moments. I am so grateful to be able to scrapbook. One, it gives me control over something and we haven't had control over our lives for so long now. Two, it gives me the opportunity to create something beautiful, and I could so use that. Three, it keeps me busy, preoccupied, and creative. And four, I need to document life (normal life).


We were in the process of moving when Joey passed away. We were trying to get him into a place where he would be most comfortable and happy. He was able to see his room twice before he passed. We've kept his things set up in there, and sometimes I go there to talk to him. Tonight I heard one of his electronic guns going off, and I went to check on things. Little brother was "testing" it to make sure it still worked. :) I'm not sure how Joey feels about Jimmy still sneaking into his room. Makes me smile to think about it, though.


What I have found strange is how grief sneaks up on me, and suddenly I am so hurt and overwhelmed again. But at the same time, I don't want it to go away because it's a connection to Joey. I realize I have a long way to go. I just miss him so much! Here's a layout from Scrapbook Trends of my sweet boy! Love you, Joey!

19 comments:

  1. I don't really know what to say...but I wanted to let you know that I think about you and your family everyday. Joey is watching over all of your everyday also!

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  2. Hi Jen, dealing with such a loss is very hard and by taking things day by day you will get there. It is only good to be sad and to cry because if you are not doing that you will get emotionally blocked and that is not what you want. It is a long road but you will get there eventually and than you will feel OK even though it might sound strange right now to you. I wish you all the love and support that is needed. BIG HUG! corinnexxx

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  3. I'm so glad that you posted today. I have been thinking of you and wondering and worrying about you guys. It seems to me that you are doing things right over there. Keeping busy, allowing everyone to cry, taking time to laugh ... Joey was the hero first, and now you are the hero. It takes the courage of a hero to get through a loss like this, and you are getting through it, one day at a time. Perhaps you could make a scrapbook page of the new heroes at your house, too?
    Hugs to you from California! I think of you often.

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  4. Words can't express what I am feeling now. Just know that this mom's thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  5. I am so glad you posted again. I have been checking your blog several times a day to see how everyone is doing. I am glad the kids seem to be coping ok. I am so sorry for all of you, but at the same time I am so glad Joey is not suffering. I'll still be praying for you and your family and sending lots of love your way.

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  6. (((HUGS))) That is just a GORGEOUS layout...thinking about you everyday.

    Christyne

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  7. What a wonderful, lovely layout. I sympathize at how unfair it feels that life goes on as normal for the rest of the world while we hurt inside. Take care of yourselves.

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  8. Your layout is beautiful - thanks for sharing it. You have friends from all over that you do not even know. These friends are thinking about you, praying for you and are in awe of the grace God has given and will continue to give you!

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  9. I am glad to see that you posted today, I've been praying for you and your family. Your layout shows how much you love Joey, I'm sure he's proud of you.

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  10. No matter what...Joey is always with you & your family. From one mom to another, my strength & love is being shared with you.

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  11. I can't imagine what it must be like to keep going after such a tragedy. What a blessing that your other children are able to lift you back up as you grieve. I wish there was something I could do. We love you!

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  12. God bless you and your family... I can't imagine what heartache you are going through. I can only tell you that your posts on your blog have brought me to tears this morning... and I am just longing to go and get my son out of school just to hug him and tell him how much I love him today after reading this. Your son reminds me so much of mine and it really hit home for me that I have been way too busy lately and need to just enjoy and be grateful in what I am and have in my life. Especially for him.

    You are a truly an inspiration and I hope you know that you have touched my life in just reading your blog. I hope you get some comfort today, even for a moment, in your situation. Lots of love to you - wish I could give you a big hug. Thanks for reminding me to slow down and count my blessings. ((HUGS))

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  13. {sniff sniff} Jen i am so sorry for your loss. Joey is a very handsome boy and I know you will always treasure your time and memories with him.

    May peace be with you and your family

    xoxox
    Greta

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  14. Jen-

    I just love ya.

    I think about you so much. I hope things get easier for you and your family.

    Big hugs!

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  15. Just want to say that Im thinking of you every day... Loss is such a long and strange process and there is no predicting when it will hit the most!
    I love hearing that you are able to cry and share that with your children... it is important to do (hard for them, too, I"m sure) yet they will be better off as long as you are honest with them like you've been.
    Its so great reminiscing about him.. that helps to keep his spirit alive in the house..
    Scrapbooking has been a Godsend.. the best form of therapy that i know. It includes your words, stirs emotions and distracts all the while allowing you to heal a little at a time.
    Take things day by day and always surround yourself with love and support.
    Take care and I'm so glad to see your pages.
    Kim Faucher

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  16. Don't know what to say to comfort you but I do know I can send you lots of hugs...and just the comfort knowing that we are all here for you in some way or another

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  17. Jen-
    there aren't words that can express how much my heart aches for you and your family. My husband lost his brother to cancer when his brother was just 6 years old, and he remembers him SO well it's astounding. Your children will remember him, and he is always in their heart, and in yours, and in ours. That is how he continues to be present in this world, and also healthy and happy in heaven.

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  18. I've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you. I lost my dear nephew when he was 9 and I can understand your statement about feeling like the world should stop. Wish I could give you a hug, but I'm sure he is helping to send comfort your way in his own little ways.

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  19. Jen, I'm still thinking about you and your Joey every day and keeping you in my prayers. You have so many good memories of your boy that will stay with you 4-ever. Those memories will someday bring a smile to your face without the tears, but I can only imagine it will be a long long time. Still thinking of you . . Renae Clark

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